Let Go
by Misty H
Summary: Ryo is facing his worst enemy yet...himself.


Disclaimers: I don't own the Ronin Warriors. I'm not writing this for a profit. Please don't sue me.  
Notes: This takes place after the TV series. Umm, not a lot to say here. This is how I feel sometimes, which is why I started writing it. Maura suggested a sequel...  
Warnings: Death (?), angst, Ryo-torture  
  
  
Let Go  
Misty H  
  
  
The sun is setting over the meadow; I can feel the heat of it seeping into my flesh, down, down...but not far enough to penetrate the blackness inside of me. It doesn't touch that cold core that I have come to despise.  
  
I sit here on the cool earth, surrounded by tall grasses that cover my lean figure from view. I'm glad, because I don't want to be found right now. I don't think I want to ever be found again.  
  
God, this hurts so much. Can you hear me? Do you even care? I look down at my sun-browned hands, the corners of my mouth sagging. Oh no, I'm not going to cry. I promised last night that there would be no more tears...  
  
Crap. There goes one. Oh look, two more are falling. Falling like the rain from the sky. Huh. Now doesn't that sound poetic?  
  
My face is drenched in tears now. I smell the salty wetness mingled with the faint sweetness of the grasses around me. My ears pick up the distant sounds of laughter, and I wonder what my friends are talking about? It certainly can't be me, because whenever they speak of me they always talk in hushed, solemn voices. None of them will look me in the eye either.  
  
Shame is a terrible thing. It seems to have come between me and my friends, or the people that were once my friends. I know what they are thinking, but I can't help them. I can't even help myself. I'm worthless. Some wonderful warrior I turned out to be. Some FRIEND I turned out to be.  
  
Yes, I know I'm depressed. The scary thing is, I don't know what to do about it. I can't turn to my friends. There is too much of a gulf between us; their silence towards me is slowly killing my soul. I never knew they meant so much to me.  
  
I take that back. I did know, and I was afraid because I thought something like this would happen. That they wouldn't talk to me, that they wouldn't want to even be in my presence. I tried, I honestly did, to help them see that what happened with Talpa wasn't their fault. But they won't see the truth in the words I speak. The guilt and shame they feel is clogging up their ears, I think. Doesn't matter. I'm about to make everyone's lives a heck of a lot easier.  
  
It isn't all my friends' fault. I pick a grass blade and lay back against the soft ground, chewing thoughtfully. My tears are gone now, and the sky is so pretty. It looks like the Torrent armor. The clouds dot the glassy blue surface randomly, reminding me of dreams and promises. Dead dreams and promises.  
  
No, it isn't all my friends' fault. As a matter of fact, it isn't theirs at all. Seriously thinking about it, it all boils down to me. I have a very dangerous condition right now, and I know I probably should ask for help. But the fact is, I don't really feel like it. I want to throw my life to the wind, and just BE for once. To just exist, free of cares and responsibilities and DESTINY. Oh, ominous word.  
  
Yeah, well I feel like being sarcastic right now. And I have a right to be. I'm going to die pretty soon, you know. So I reason I can be and feel whatever the heck I please. Stupid tears are coming back. I scrub my face angrily.   
  
I just wanted someone to try to understand me. Doesn't everyone? I know all my friends; they feel similar things that I do. But no one asked any questions when I started to lose weight. No one asked any questions when I went outside and stayed out there for almost twenty hours straight. No one asked any questions when I would suddenly run from the room, tears clouding my vision. No one asked any questions...  
  
Do they care? I sometimes ponder this late into the night. Do they care that the bags under my eyes are getting heavier, that I can't stand the sight of food anymore, that I disappear without a word and come back later than even Rowan stays up? Do they notice the muffled screams that come from my room at all hours of the day? Do they raise their eyebrows at the way I avoid White Blaze, and how I'm always tired yet push myself until I drop in exhaustion?  
  
I don't think they do. We've gotten so distant over the past weeks and months since Tulpa's defeat. I honestly doubt that they know me anymore. But I need them. I long for their arms to hold me when I wake up at night, alone in my room and visions of a dark, long war lingering on my mind. My heart aches for them to reassure me when I hear the screams of their voices in my head. I need them to fight for me, with me, to beat this horrible thing that has seized control of my body and disrupted my mind.  
  
That's why I've got to do this. I can't get them to fight with me, so I'll fight back with the only option I have left.  
  
Suicide.  
  
Yes, I know that suicide is a very bad, evil thing. Sure, I've heard all the warnings, all the various speeches and talks about how killing yourself doesn't help anyone, anybody, anything, ectera. That's fine, and it applies to everyone but me. My mouth lifts in a small, sardonic grin. If I die, the world will be better. A new Ronin will be chosen by the armor, a better leader will appear without all this emotional baggage, and everything will be fine. The guys will be happy again, and I won't be taking up valuable space with my skeleton-like body.  
  
A bug flies over my head, and I reach out my thin arm to touch it, touch its painful stinger. It buzzes away though, and suddenly my hand looks very small against the silky blue of the atmosphere. Tears well in my eyes again, and my mouth pinches at the corners. Here come the tears...  
  
I could have had it all. I really could have. That's what is so sad about this pathetic situation. I had four wonderful, loving friends. There was a girl who was deeply in love with me, though I didn't love her back the way she wanted. A young boy idolized me, made me his personal hero. I was talented with soccer, could run almost as fast as Rowan, and had a tiger that protected me. I was loved, popular, and though I was missing a family, I had friends who became that family.  
  
Now what do I have? My hand trembles against the vast sky. My friends, my only family, have left me out of shame. I'm depressed. I can't eat without being sick. I've lost so much weight that I look like a stick. I avoid my tiger because I know he'll try to help me, only to fail. That girl, she isn't someone I love, and she's outgrown her crush on me anyway. The boy has moved and I never see him. Because of my deteriorating form, I can't run, can't jump, can't kick a stupid soccer ball. People at school avoid me because of my appearance, and all I can do is sit and cry.  
  
This is not the life I want to lead!  
  
I scream in outrage at myself. The shriek pierces the still air. The wind ceases its movement, and I can sense Rowan withdrawing unconsciously from my misery. Sage does as well, but his element does not abandon me the way Rowan's has.  
  
I'm right though, I think as I lay on the ground, my chest rising and falling rapidly. Rowan, Sage, Cye, and Kento won't fight with me on this. I'm surprised if they even know how deeply I've fallen into my personal hell. They won't notice, nor will they care. They are blinded by their guilt, and they cannot see the pain I exude. So if I can't get any allies for this battle, I'm just going to do things my way. I'll kill myself, and be free of this never-ending agony. I don't see any point in hanging around anyway.  
  
I pick up the sharp object beside my body. The sun caresses it gently, the way I have many times past. Today is the day. I will no longer let my pain rule my life. I will take control, I will fight this enemy, and I will sacrifice my life to destroy it.  
  
I run the blade across my wrists lightly, just barely enough strength behind it to irritate my skin. Small lines appear and quickly vanish as the pressure is released. I smile through my tears and do it again, putting more force behind it. Small streams of blood flow to the ground. The knife delves in deeper, producing more of my life substance. How long have I been bleeding now? I can't remember; it feels like forever. Just me lying here for eternity, dripping the crimson liquid from my veins.  
  
The world is getting darker. I can't see the sun anymore. Must be getting around bedtime. My limbs are so heavy; I'm so sleepy. I think I'll close my eyes and rest now.  
  
  
My footsteps pound against the ground. Kento, Cye, and Sage are just behind me, but they can't run as fast as I can. I can feel him slipping away. My friend, one of my best friends is leaving me. Where is he? I can barely feel him anymore. The link between us is fading away like morning mist. Oh please Ryo, please. Be okay, for me, for us, for...everyone. You and Sage are my best friends. You can't leave me.  
  
My feet slow as I see tall, wet grasses. Tall, wet, red grasses. One step closer, and now the grass is bent, and a hand lies in the network of plants. I stop. There he is, black hair splayed across the ground, exotic eyes closed halfway, and his chest not moving. Oh no...  
  
"Somebody get help! Call an ambulance! Oh, God, help!" I say, my mind not comprehending what I see before me. Ryo's still body soaked in his blood. I drop to my knees and begin CPR. "Come on, Ryo, you have to live. You have to live for me. You can't just leave. You can't let go..."  
  
***  
Well, that's that! ^_^ I hope you guys enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing it. I left the ending open, because I figured that this time you, the beloved reader, should choose the ending for yourself! So if you've ever been in some sort of situation similar to this, you'll be able to provide the answer. Is Ryo going to let go? Or will Rowan and his friends put aside their guilt and shame over the last battle? (The one where they had to attack and kill Ryo in order to destroy Talpa; it is my belief that Ryo was dying/was already dead and the Jewel of Life brought him back to life, but that's just me!) You decide Ryo's fate! Lovies all!  
  
~Misty H  



End file.
